||[May. 15th, 2005|12:31 pm]
Everyone thinks that Easter is a time to celebrate the birth of new life, sybolic through the miraculous resurrection of our Lord, and the explosion of life which occurs in the springtime.|
Easter is the celebration of the end of Jesus's Reign of Terror, circa 1 year A.D. Right now you're probably thinking "What the fuck?", so I will explain. Everyone knows that jesus was crucified and rose from the grave, but little is known about why he was sent to heaven. Jesus was supposed to live out his entire life teaching the people of the world about love and peace and how to be cool and mellow. But something went wrong. God's plan was for Jesus to be publicly tortured and crucified, then to rise from the grave and prove to all the heathens of the world that God is mighty and Jesus is his true son. Which was a GREAT plan, except for one minor glitch. You see, God had never brought anyone back from the dead before, so neither he nor Jesus knew that there would be side effects resulting from resurrection. Jesus did indeed rise and walk the earth, but as a creature of the undead. That's right, jesus was a zombie. The ORIGINAL zombie. And just like all other zombies, Jesus had to feed on the flesh of the living in order to sustain his own un-life, and thus fulfill his purpose as the earth's savior. From this circumstance comes the origin of the communion sacrament. While today, the allegory of ingesting the blood and the body is merely sybolic, during Zombie Jesus's time, it was literal. Christ's first victim was, of course, Judas Iscariot. Although the Disciples were in reverent awe of their lord's resurrection, the sight of Jesus feasting upon human entrails quickly sobered them to the reality of the situation. The Disciples began offering their followers as sacrifices to the Christ's insatiable urges, forfeiting their lives so that Zombie Jesus could feed and continue his ministry. Word of these gruesome ceremonies spread like wildfire through the ancient world, and soon the Roman legion intervened, apprehending Jesus's followers and through an oppressive manhunt, forced Zombie Jesus into seclusion. During this time, the savior was often hidden in caves outside town, or in secret chambers in private residences, always sealed inside lest his good nature coax him into giving himself up a second time. After an invasive, months long occupation of the area, the Legion had moved on. During this time, Zombie Jesus had not fed for weeks at a time. Without the constant ingestion of living beings, in particular the brain, Jesus did as zombies do. He moved about listlessly, spoke only in animal tones, avoided daylight, and, oh yes, he had decayed quite rapidly. The former savior was now little more than animated corpse scouring the night for anything/one to satiate his thirst for blood. One by one, mutilated corpses were discovered in homes and alleyways, their skulls cored like apples in testament to the savior's hunger for brains. No one was safe. Pets, women, and children all fell to the appetite of Christ. Due to his recent transformation, villagers and former followers now became wary and fearful that Jesus might cannibalize them as he had so many others. Sunset curfews were enforced, doors were heavily barred, and windows boarded up. Hardly a soul was seen walking the streets, even in daylight hours. The shadow of terror had fallen upon the land. Due to the remarkably similar odor between expired dairy product and Brain tissue, families took to hiding rotten eggs in remote areas of the country, in hopes of luring Zombie Jesus away from the inhabited areas. Jesus still maintained his cognitive functions but his insatiable hunger drew him into the countryside and the ruse worked. The villagers rejoiced, but Zombie Jesus was angry. The betrayal by his former followers drove him into a murderous rage. Luckily for the villagers, Jesus was too weak to make the journey back to the village. The frustrated Zombie Jesus violently devoured any creature he could lay hands on. Fortunately, the area was home to a large populaton of rabbits, which sated Jesus's hunger for flesh and thus, anchored him to the countryside for several months. After the massacre of several thousand bunnies, Zombie Jesus regained his undead strength. With hatred in his hollow eyes, he set off to wreak his revenge upon the ungrateful Human race. But by now, God had seen that his plan for Christ had failed. Although Zombie Jesus had become evil incarnate, the Lord called him to heaven in order to forever imprison him, thus sparing his earthly children from the wrath of Christ. This event was observed from the village as an incredibly bright sunrise, ascending to the sky. With the threat of unholy disembowelment gone, the world rejoiced and held this day as a time of feasting and reverence. To this day, we honor the easter bunnies for their making the ultimate sacrifice so that we might be saved from Zombie Jesus. The traditional "Easter Egg Hunt" and the eating of chocolate bunnies serve to reenact Jesus's Reign of Terror and remind us that we all have an evil side that must be kept in check. However, through the suppressive influence of the Vatican and other church organizations, the actual events concerning Jesus's resurrection and the events procceding have all but vanished from the collective memory of the world. Only a select few know the TRUTH.